And now for something completely different...

I've been playing Warhammer on and off now for around 15 years. Who knew on that fateful day when my friend Lumpy invited me along to his friends house to "play a simple little game" that he was going to introduce to me the gamers style of crack in the form of warhammer. I swear, I should have melted those god damn models down right there on the spot and made like a Disney kid star and snorted that shit up then and there and gotten it over and done with.




What every little girl should aspire to. Crack whore



But no, that option wasn't available to me at the time, something about the simple fact that they weren't my models and supposedly ownership means something here, (just ask the maoris about water) and so it was that I was drawn into the drug of Warhammer and ultimately miniature wargames.

Now, I'll admit, I've never actually chosen an army to play. When I first started playing, I think it was 5th edition I orginally chose Orcs and Goblins. I mostly chose it because the boys had the book and it meant that my broke student ass didn't have to fork out for something. The orcs and goblins lasted about a year. By the end of that year I was throughly sick of animosity and low leadership which had become a recurring theme in my games. I suddenly felt like Gilligan. Stuck on an island and the closest action I was getting was from the fat captain. I wanted off that fucking island!

So it was that I dropped them and not so broke I picked up the next book the boys had and some miniatures for. Dwarfs. Now some people will point out just how terrible a move this was. If Warhammer was a mix of drugs, where the most intoxicating armies are the worst of a drug style world, Dwarfs would be counted around a light shandy area. Dwarfs are the non-alcoholic beer of the drug world of warhammer. But, and this is the important part, we already had the book and enough models to field two thousand points of forces. All it needed was painting.

Now, this is the shit that drags me in everytime. Painting. I'm full of myself, granted, I love what I do and how I do it and painting and art, that's what I'm so fucking great at I could rub my balls against a canvas and create a master piece. So when I heard something needed painting, like a fucking masochistic Austrian I proceeded to gather my equipment and see what sort of crap I could pull out of my awesomeness which if anyone knows me, is my penis.

And so I started painting. Then a new edition came out and so I purchased the new book. 3 years later I had managed to quadruple the size of the dwarf army along with the help of my friend Blom who was also addicted to this shit and was snorting it all up like it was going out of fashion and there was nothing better todo then make like a red headed actress.



Living the dream

I started playing dwarfs and became quite good at it to the point I started a horde style army before hordes were even known, proving that I was so great that even designers of games I played wanted to be like me. But the kicker is, I never wanted to actually play them. They were there. They were easy, like your Mum, but they weren't what I desired to use, again, like your Mum. It was the painting that did it for me and so I finished them off, stepped away, placed them on a shelf to gather the dust while I flipped the bird and proceeded to go find another army to rape.

That's when my friend Blom kicked in. Like I said, he was like a drug addict in a pharmacy and a doctor had signed a whole script book for him. By the time I had completed the dwarf army he had amassed enough models to field a sizeable Wood Elf army. Don't fucking roll your eyes at me! Beggars can't be choosers. If I was desperate enough to beg and live on the streets, if some asshole with a fake toupe came and asked me to suck his cock in the street for a dollar, well, I'd be gobbling on that wankers cock faster than he could say, "You're fired!"



No no no! Use your teeth more when you're bobbing on my man meat!



So, I started painting the Woodies. It took a year on and off because I have this whole life thing that keeps getting in the way of things and during that year I took the woodies to a tournament or two and played with them as regularly as I could. I found that after the first few games, that what I should do is bend forward and touch my toes after applying lube to my rear exit. It makes the shafting just so much easier.

And so, I have become disillusioned with Warhammer as a game. Look past the huge price rise within the southern hemisphere. Look past Games Workshop trying to completely monopolize miniature wargaming and failing. It's the static fundamentals of the game that just seem to completely make me flaccid.

Warhammer to me has always been explained as a number of forces gather armies and vie for position upon a board and try to outnumber key elements and capture the board itself. That's how I've always envisioned it.



 

I've had arguments with people before about the so called great tactics of the Warhammer game. They explain chaff. I then advise the way to beat Chaff is with shooting or other chaff. The game then breaks down into this stupid idea of small scouting forces baiting each other. This makes my above vision not only wrong but completely irrelevant. Perhaps it's the so called meta of NZ, with the sudden inclusion of so much chaff.

They then state the movement tactics, I then state that movement is fine, I have a movement army and if I really wanted to, I could NOT engage in any sort of combat for the entire game. I could continue to bait and weave and shoot at my foes. I'm not going to win. I may be able to pull out a draw and my opponent is going to look at me and stab me in his mind. That shit hurts. Movement doesn't really account for shit, especially since all movement will really do for you is make you look like a prick and eventually you will have to charge. This is the real problem. All the units that can have this great movement ability, that can dance and weave, are about as strong as wet paper bag.

Then there is what I call the Auto Includes. Certain armies have them and I dislike them. A level 4 wizard so you can 6 dice roll spells which completely changes the whole meta of the game. I dislike that I feel the need to try to include a level 4 wizard. Fuck your auto includes, it's making my game rubbish for having to add it in.

So, I haven't thrown in the towel of warhammer fantasy as a game, but I dare say the next army I play, which at this point is looking to be Warriors of Chaos, may be my last warhammer army. The crap rule system, the non existent tactics in many cases is just not making the game appealing to me at all. I've been looking at other and better games (This is my opinion and as stated somewhere bfore, should be your opinion)

Anyways, Fuck you warhammer

MK