...he has control?!

Now, for anyone who has read any of my previous posts, the assumption is is that I'm the sort of person who has no problem speaking my mind, in fact, the problem would be actually stopping me from speaking my mind on some occasions. I am opinionated and I have no problems voicing these opinions. But there are occasions when even I fall silent, where what I truly want o say freezes in my throat. That happened tonight.

So the scene, more realistic then shorthand street or any other crappy mind shitted drama. I was catching up with a friend. In my younger days, or even those people who are emotionally uneducated,  would have called it a date, I'm older now, I'm more mature now, I now a situation for what it was and this was just a catchup.

However, at one point we were heading towards an eatery and she stated how excited and nervous she was going to this place as it was what she termed "naughty food" I mentally disagreed with this statement as the thought of a burger fucking me in the mouth wasn't completely a happy thought I said outloud how I was nervous coming to hang out with her. She asked why and I choked.

Now we've discussed this before, this friend and I, about past feelings and so forth. I had a crush on her when we were younger and still do now, but I'm an adult now, I can control such urges and so forth, and being an adult sucks old hairy man balls. That's why I was nervous, because I still want to prove things to her, that although I have a rough side I'm still likable, that in some way I'm still a viable choice, but ultimately this is the biggest lie. There was a brief moment when I may have been a  viable choice, but looking back now I see how truly broken I was back then.

I don't even understand how I became that way. It was a decade of brokenness and shattering of dreams and realities that until the last few years I managed to crawl out of. And so now, with this friend I have one of the moments where I kind of wish I had said something. A moment of regret in a way. Logically of course it would have been a bad idea, because the awkwardness it would have caused would have ruined the rest of the night, so in a way, I'm also relieved I managed to contain my inner voice for once.

So, many will try to read between the lines of what I'm saying and quite frankly, that's fucking annoying, stop it. The main context of this post is this: Even if you love someone there is nothing wrong in my opinion to like someone else. It's the enactment upon those feelings that are the downfall. I didnt act. I'm fucking awesome. You all think so as well.

Fuck adulthood and maturity sometimes.

MK